Part I -The Art of the Shavedown:

DearClub Kids,

I have been meaning to wirte about this for quite a long time now and thought with the lack of smack going on right now I would open up a topic that needs to be addressed as I feel it could cause many problems for our club down the road.  It is a topic not touched by most as no one seems to be able to delve into the topics complex web.  I thought I would take it upon myself to expound a bit into the reasons, methods, and unspoken rules of shaving.

THE REASONS:
Unlike most folks in our fold I do not try to make up contrived reasons to shave down.  As a swimmer most 12-14 year old boys want nothing more than their leg hair to grow out so they can shave it off for the big meet of the year.  "Shaving down," as it is called in the swimming world is a rite of passage, it means your are fast enough to think the tenths of a second that is saved by having no hair on your legs, arms, back etc. will make a difference in the race.  This is true as some races are decided by hundredths of seconds.  I once had a friend shave his eyebrows which grew back as an eybrow and a little crooked.  Also, Friday nights at State meet were always marked by shave down parties at the hotel at which you were staying.  This was your opportunity to get shaved by girls from your team as well as other out of town teams.  What a way to break the ice with a lady.  Put on a speedo and have her shave your legs up to your crotch.  In a word AWESOME. 

As I joined the triathlete world I was thrown back to the shaving world.  This time it was maksed by the idea that IF you wreck on your bike, you will be happy because it makes it easier to pick stones out of you road rash.  All this info was espoused to me as we walked out of the Spinning room at the YMCA where noboby  was getting a rash of the road variety but maybe the too large of a bike seat rash.  I have wrecked and had some road rash and all I did was not shave around it.  Maybe I need to wreck better and get some more gravel stuck in me, but so far this argument is kinda lame. 

THE TRUTH IS THAT WE ARE DIFFERENT THAN THE NON TRIATHLETES WE KNOW.  WHAT BETTER WAY TO FURTHER FREAK OUT THE REST OF THE WORLD THAN BY SHAVING SOME OR ALL OF OUR BODIES.  The other truth of the matter, at least for me, is that shaving down makes you feel fast.  Every time you hit the water you feel fast.  Ladies to test this theory don't shave for a week or two and swim, go home and shave and swim the next day.  You'll feel fast as a mackerel.  The last secret truth as that no matter what the argument you get from a guy the truth is they just plain like it. Triathlon is just their crutch. 

THE LAST TRUTH IS THAT I JUST PLAIN LIKE IT!!!!

THE METHODS
For those new to the triathlon world here are a few do's and don'ts for the unintiated.

1.  Find you some lube.  Shampoo, conditioner, soap, lotion, and even shaving cream will make your work go a lot more smoothly.  Also use a new razor.  Dispoable is fine, just make sure it is new and change it out appropriately.
2.  For guys, get a trimmer of some sort to take off the first layer.  You will save in blade cost and it won't take two hours to shave your legs.  You can get a cheap one at the Wal Mart for like $10.
3.  Nair and other chemical removal systems.  Best stay away from these.  Ask W for a personal recount of what happend to him.  Kentucky Fried Chicken Skin anyone?
4.  Stay away from all gimic like lotions, salves, hair pullers etc.  They are more likely to do more damage than good.

THE RULES
1.  How much are you supposed to shave?  How high are you supposed to go?  Do you shave your arms, chest back etc.?  If you follow my logic, you are ultimately shaving down to go faster so what good is it to shave your legs and not shave your arms, chest and the sweater off your back (See Jeremy D on how not to do it).  SHAVE IT AL!! I go with the skinless cat look most of the time.  I may not shave the whole body all year long but certainly for big races.  I slao use the race ware measurin system.  Put on your training /raceware of choice and shave around it.  Don't be afraid to pull back the elastic and color outside the lines.  No point in shaving arms legs back and chest only to have a 70's disco bush spillin out over the sides.  Those clippers in the above list  have a guard for trimmin.  For god's sake use it.  THIS APPLIES TO BOTH SEXES!
2.  For ease of shaving keep at it all year long as it hones the skills and keeps you from taking 1 hour showers to mow the lawn a couple of times a year.
3.  Always tell people that ask that you are in some sort of strange club or sex cult as it will make you more freaklike to your work peers.  Or answer those questions from your gun totin, golf playin, mans man types that yes indeed you are "gay" and that the wife and kids are just a front for your secret double life.  What is it with the huntin types that equate shaved legs with man on man luv?  Follow this up with an offer to let them shave your back if they'd like.  They won't ask again.
4.  Please feel free to reply to this post with other rules and methods as we can always learn more, and this forum is the place to inform after all isn't it?

I hope this cleared up any questions you may have had about shaving.  It should also clear up any doubts about me.  Whatever those doubts may have been.

yours in hairless joy

rocketboy

Part II - Speedo Nation

Because of some crap traffic issue rocketboy's Saturday morning big ring circus had to be postponed until later this afternoon.  I'll re-post the time.  Until then I had two choices, work or spend time working on my quest for the oh so coveted Pulitzer Prize for non-fiction.  I can't decide if a forum post would count as an article, expose, non-fiction short or what.  Truly the Pulitzer people will be able to see my work for it's greatness and place me in the correct category (maybe multiple wins??).  I hope they don't count spelling or punctuation against me.  I got the profanity covered under the veil of the First Amendment even the Moss Forum Gestapo can't stop me.  (SIDE NOTE:  Susan, you can get this thing to clean up my mouth but you can't get it to SPELL CHECK????)

This is the latest in a three part series for the new members section (I refuse to use that word you call new members as it sounds foolish).  As you have seen, Part I dealt with the trials and tribulations of one mans quest to understand the "art" of body shaving also known as Rocketboy and the Razor.  Part II is a little ditty I have titled Speedo Nation or Lycra and You: How Hydrodynamics Works.  I think I'll go with Speedo Nation (until I get sued) as I had a hard enough time spelling hydrodynamics (twice) let alone learning how to explain it to you all in layman's terms.  As I like to say, let the games begin.

The only topic older than Roadie vs. Tri guy in my book has to be to Speedo or not to Speedo.  Most know my stance sits squarely on the Pro Speedo side.  This is less from my exhibitionist nature, than from a truly logical side.  We spend hours riding, running, and swimming, not to mention transition practice (yes, you are supposed to practice those too) trying to shave off minutes and second from our times.  We spend thousands of dollars on shiny bikes and carbon fiber gadgets to get those elusive seconds only to suit up on race day in a speed suit or tri top with a pocket on the back.  You may as well run with a parachute behind you or let one of your fellow competitors hook their finger onto your shorts and let you drag them.  I think you get it. 

Drag is not just a way of life and dress.  It is the force you are fighting the whole time you are in the water.  I don't have the time or the knowledge to tell you the exact drag a pocket will have against you during an 800 b/c I am not going to waste my time doing 2 800s one with a Speedo and one with a tri suit, but I would be willing to bet that a tri suit slows you down 3-5 second per 100 yards.  Ever lose placing 3rd in your age group by 40 seconds.  I have.  The problem with the aforementioned speed suit is that it is not skin tight.  There is too much of a difference between body types for companies to make an affordable (if you consider 80-150 affordable) correctly sized speed suit, just ask Chunckie G.  In addition mesh, pockets, diapers, and zippers are not fast.  Even if you cut off the pocket the thing is blousy (don't get to use that word often!).  To test the effects of drag.  Swim a 100 in a swimsuit and then swim a 100 with a pair of running shorts over said swimsuit.  FEEL THE DIFFERENCE.?

ENTER THE BANANA HAMMOCK.  Also known as the root suit, marble sack, or nut sling.  The Speedo is, besides a wetsuit or fastskin, the fastest race apparel period.  Less is more. You have less added surface area, and it stands to reason that your freshly shaved body (see Part I) is smoother and more hydrodynamic than lycra. Compound that with the fact that water enters through the neckline to fill up the damn thing and it is fairly obvious what's faster. Some say, well what about the bike pad? I also go with the less is more for up to an Olympic distance race. If you have your $100 super lightweight bike saddle, then it should be comfortable enough to ride for an hour or so. I have only worn a pair of true bike shorts once in my life so I have toughened up the "taint" enough to withstand just about anything the bike seat can dish out. I am not a fan of the Speedo with a diaper so I go sans cushioning. Some guys have made the argument that they need to wear a shirt less offend others. NEWS FLASH!!! EVEN IF YOU ARE NEED OF A MANZIER OR BRO YOU ARE ALREADY CLAD IN SOME FORM OF LYCRA  AND  ARE BY DEFINITION OFFENSIVE. If you are going to offend , might as well take it all the way. If you have taken my advice on shaving you should at least not look like you have more drag around the Speedo than from it.

JUST FOR THE LADIES. I know you girls have been saying, "Hey what do we do?" I am no expert here but would think that the one piece swim specific suit would be faster than the two-piece tri suit. This is based on the argument that the one piece is more form fitted than the two and there are two seams for the water to go pass over with a bikini like setup. Also the neckline on a swimming specific suit hugs the rack better than a speed suit. I also would think that you could get a better size variety w/ swimming specific suits.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS A FAST SKIN? I thought I would at least entertain the argument of wearing a swimming specific speed suit also known as a fast skin. These are the most hydrodynamic suits in the world and are worn by most swimmers and some professional triathletes in races. The problems they present for Joe Blow Triathlete are the following:
1. They are $200
2. You can barely get out of your wetsuit on the rare occasions you wear it. Imagine having to do this every race. Any time savings would probably be lost.
3. They are not made to ride or run in as they are not very breathable and will overheat your ass.
4. Not only are they $200 they are more fragile than a wetsuit. Nothing like dropping $400 a year in swim specific race apparel.

LONG DISTANCE APPAREL.  As a half and full Ironman tend to be all day affairs and are different beasts all together, I would probably opt for a speedo and some sort of top to protect from sun exposure.  I would even go against earlier arguments to not try and put on a tri top after the swim and put on your top in T1  You figure you will save more time in the water than you will waste putting it on before the bike.  Then you'll have your precious pockets for your gu and car keys, pictures of kids and whatever else you want to carry around in that pocket all day. 

I guess that about covers it. Let me know if I forgot anything. I'd sure like a women's point of view. I guees I could see if there were any 6'1 flat chested women  with a 42 inch back out there who would loan me a suit for testing purposes (you may not want it back). But until then I will have to rest on my scientific laurels.

rocketboy

Part III - The Big Crapper

Well freakos here it is. The much awaited third installment in the continuing education program here at BRtri. I fully believe that this is this most informative and needed article to date. In this diatribe I will prove that not only am good at making unsupported accusations and decrees, but that I can make a scientific point as well. Enough with the crap here comes the crap.

Anyone who has run since man first started running has experienced this ailment. I can see early man running for his life while a pack of hyenas is chasing him down thinking, oh dear god, not only am I about to be eaten by hyenas, but I am going to sh*t my loin cloth before they ever get to me. He then thinks, maybe if I just slow down and jog for a mile or so the feeling will go away. Nope, still there. Maybe I can just get to that bush with the soft leaves. Nope, no time. Maybe if I just let out a few farts. Nope still there. Maybe if..nope, loin cloth soiled, I am covered in crap, let the hyenas feast upon me.

That's right, whether you call them the sh*t cramps, stomach "problems", irritable bowels, or the uncontrollable urge to soil oneself, one thing is for sure we have all had an "experience" with the runner's trots. A running website defined the runner's trots as, " Painful and potentially embarassing, the runner's trots are marked by the urge to head for the bushes mid-run. You may experience abdominal cramps, gas or diarrhea during or immediately after long or particularly strenuous runs and races. " Another article says, " Running is good for maintaining regular bowel movements. This is one theory on why there is a decreased incidence of colon cancer among those who partake in running. BUT, it can also be said that it may be too much of a good thing ." It goes on to say that, " An estimated 20-50% of distance runners have "runner's trots" with a range of symptoms from cramping and nausea to bouts of flatulence and diarrhea. This can occur during or after their exercise. " Tell me something I don't know. Fortunately for you, avid reader, I happen to be quite experienced in this oh so touchy subject. I have completed more than a few runs with one or no socks, once tried to strip down and tear out the lining of my shorts to use as TP, and many other times simply said oh sh*t. Literally. I would encourage you all to post anecdotal follow ups to this story after the post. Below are a few of the so called "remedies." Unfortunately they are as sure of a remedy as the cure for HIV. I have tried them all and still ended up dropping trow in the servitude that runs through Broadmoor hoping to god I didn't get arrested. As a scientist, however, I feel abliged to at least give you all some fodder to try out on your own. Included below is a list of do's and don't compiled from my life experience. After the do's and don'ts is some earth shattering scientific information and "remedies". I hope you all enjoy.

ROCKETBOYS DO'S, DON'TS, and BATHROOM GUIDE

1. do keep TP and baby wipes in the car

2. on especially irritable days carry baby wipes in Ziploc in pocket

3. scout out construction sites and party areas (ie tailgating season and Mardi Gras) for port o lets. Run by them early and often. Be careful during summer months as the temperature in these bad boys can reach the mid 100's. I almost passed out in one on sorority row in July. Could have been really ugly.

4. do not try the nice bathrooms conveniently located in the parking lots of LSU as they are always locked.

5. the City Park Golf course is open at 6:00 most mornings. Thank GOD.

6. tiger stadium is usually open on the west side by the gift shop. bathroom is seriviceable and usually has tp

7. always knock at the Baton Rouge Beach bathrooms. There is a reason why they used to have a sign that said more than one adult in bathroom will result in arrest. always bring TP.

8. what's done on the levee is stays on the levee. At last count a pair and a half of socks and half of the lining of a pair of running shorts fell victim to old man rivers brown waters

9. farts are okay amongst friends. no gender politeness applies here. let it rip.

10. don't make the mistake of sitting on the crapper and trying to crap with no success only to get out in the public and find out that you had started her up and now she's ready to blow.

11. if you think you may have to crap now you will 10 minutes away from the nearest bathroom

12. makes you wonder where the Swedish really got the world fartlek from (speed play my ass!)

13. stopping to crap during a race is better than the consequence. think how great those pictures your loved one will look with a mud slide down your leg.

14. the UTA PIPPIG reference in an earlier post refers to a runner who ran the Boston Marathon with a certain amount of crap and mentruation running down her leg. She did win.

I really hope this is of some service to you all. I will add addendums as I feel I am missing something here.

rocketboy

Likely causes:
It's not entirely clear why this happens, but 20 to 40 percent of runners are troubled by this from one time to another. It's something that seems quite specific to runners and probably has something to do with the inevitable bouncing and jarring and sloshing that goes on. (THANK YOU F-ING SHERLOCK HOLMES) At the same time, running boosts the hormones that get things moving in your intestines. Dehydration, too, can contribute to the problem. Some runners, though, are more likely than others to have the trots. It's possible that this has to do with milk (lactose) intolerance. Even a mild intolerance that would otherwise go unnoticed may cause gas and diarrhea during a strenuous run within 24 hours of eating a dairy product. This is caused by the body's inability to metabolize milk and dairy products; gas in the large bowel is the result.

More Info and Things to Try (HOPE YOU HAVE BETTER LUCK THAN I)

Don't eat anything in the morning before the race or run.

Drink water only ­ no other beverages.

Cut down on eating from 4 p.m. on the night before the race or run. Normal portions may be too much. It's okay to snack on toast or a PowerBar. No fat or roughage (PowerBar okay ­ HarvestBar probably not)

Heat can also affect you.

If these things don't work, try an anti-diarrheal one hour before the run. Jeff has a lot of people tell him that if the above doesn't work, the anti-diarrheal usually does.

Both upper and lower gastrointestinal disorders are common in distance runners. Although upper GI complaints are common and sometimes predominate in many surveys, lower GI complaints seem to occur more frequently in women and younger runners. Commonly known as "runner's trots," many surveys suggest that one-fourth to one-third of recreational marathoners and triathletes have experienced diarrhea during or after distance events.

Many of these symptoms correlate with the degree of exertion. The cause of runner's diarrhea is thought to be probably ischemic or lack of blood flow to the bowel as the body diverts blood from the GI tract to the working muscles. Normally, the gut tolerates this diversion of blood flow, however, in many athletes the lining of the gut becomes irritated and diarrhea ensues. The severity of diarrhea is dependent on the level of effort, the neurogenic response of the gut in particular patients, the level of conditioning and degree of dehydration.

A few things that may help combat some of these symptoms: First, keep yourself well hydrated by consuming five to eight ounces of water every 15-20 minutes. Dehydration slows the body's ability to digest foods and sets the stage for intestinal trouble. Next, avoid eating within two to three hours of your race, especially foods that are high in fat. Do not use aspirin or non-steroid agents such as Ibuprofen since they may cause GI irritation. Avoid drinks that contain more that 10% carbohydrate (sugar) content. Make sure you drink water or sports drinks that are low in carbohydrates (5 to 8%). You may take limited antacids since they may help the nausea but use them sparingly since they may cause abdominal cramping during exercise.

Establish some time of "prerun" elimination routine including getting up early and eating (possibly coffee and a light meal), since this may get your system running before you run. Also, cut back on the consumption of dairy products and sugary foods and avoid excess coffee since this over stimulates the gut. Additionally, try training at different times of the day especially if the morning running tends to cause diarrhea. As a final tip, avoid sorbitol breath mints or gum as well as large doses of vitamin C since this may cause diarrhea.

Remedies:
If diarrhea occurs only when you race, pay attention to what you eat and drink in the days and hours just before racing. Too much fiber or caffeine can cause runner's trots. Dairy products may be the problem if you're lactose intolerant (you'll know because you get lots of gas after eating dairy foods). Also, be sure to drink plenty of fluids before and during the race, as dehydration can cause diarrhea. Finally, this one may seem obvious, but try to have a bowel movement before a run or race, and leave plenty of time for this.

If diarrhea occurs often during training, you need to scrutinize your diet and systematically eliminate and reintroduce foods--especially fiber and dairy--to see what works. If you can't solve the problem, see a sports-oriented physician.